Meet the Shambley's Part 2

So I will start where I left off, after Chelsea was adopted and established we knew we would adopt again. I really wanted a baby more than anything and since Chelsea's adoption was an older child adoption I thought we would try to focus on taking in smaller children like under 5 to see if any would lead from foster to adoption. Well, I got a call from a social worker that I knew well and she ask me if I was interested in taking a 4 month old baby girl named Heather ( name changed for privacy). Of course I was extremely interested and best of all she was without medical problems. In the foster parenting world you do not come by healthy 4mo old babies everyday. I really felt God may be answering prayer for us. Heather was so beautiful, and sweet. She was one of those babies everyone wants to have. She slept through the night the first night at our house...now this is very UNcommon for a foster child. Foster children are normally so displaced and frightened they cant sleep. I had prepared to stay up the whole night in case Heather needed me, but she slept peacefully. We feel in love with her so quick. After being at our house for 30 days we had to go to court for a hearing. Heather's birth mom showed up and seemed to be getting herself together and promised to comply with all of the things required of her case plan. She was a young mother living at home with her parents and that was the problem...she could not get along with her own mom. This lead to domestic violence issues. The police had been called several times and that's why Heather was taken away. Heather's birth mom basically needed to get a job, move out of her parents home, make a stable living environment for herself and her baby and complete a psycological evaluation. She had 60 days until the next court review and the judge told her if she was working the case plan she would get her baby back. So I picked Heather up at daycare and brought her home and told the rest of the family that Heather was staying with us another 60 days at least. She was 5 months old at the first court hearing and would be 7 months at the next one. Heather's birth mom was on track and visiting with her baby 2 hours each week (supervised). I know it was hard for the birth mom being away from her baby... no one wants to miss watching their baby grow that first year of life. They make so many changes and complete milestone after milestone. Heather was on track as well she had really became comfortable with us and was meeting all of the growth and developmental expectations. Before the next hearing she learned to sit up by herself, drink from a sippy cup, and crawl. We as a family were growing more and more attached to her everyday. The reports from the social worker were looking like baby Heather would be returning to her birth mom at the next court review. This was bitter sweet for us as we knew the best possible place for a baby to be is with its biological mother... if it is safe. However, we knew we would miss her like crazy. Court day came and went. Moms legal counsel did not show up at court and the case was continued another 30 days. Our family was pleased to be able to keep Heather another month because truly we thought she was going home that day. Thirty days later at court mom suddenly fell of the wagon. She had obtained a job but lost it, she had moved into another home but it was with her boyfriend whom the judge would not consider placing Heather with until after background checks were completed on him. So although we thought there was a possibility Heather would go home to birth mom that day (because you never know what the judge will decide) we were not to worried she would leave quite yet because of the unknowns with birth mom. Well the judge deiced it was in Heather's best interest to review the case in 90 days. Birth mom was upset with the decision and ask if some family members could obtain placement of Heather. The judge agreed to consider family members if they could pass a background check and a home study. Heaven was already 8 months old and would be 11 months at the next court review. Birth mom was determined to get baby Heather home or placed with a family member before her first birthday. I being a mom could absolutely understand where she was coming from. Before the next court date Heather started pulling up and then taking her first steps all which birth mom missed. She also started saying a few words like mama, dada, and thank you. We did not tell this sweet baby to call us mama and dada but she did because that's all she knew and that's what our other children called us so, she just kinda picked it up I guess. While background checks and home studies were being conducted on Heather's family members we were growing more and more attached. I really started to dread the next court review. I was not ready to let go. It was so hard to pray thy will be done Lord. I wanted what I wanted and could not even begin to think about Heather leaving us. Then the Lord spoke to me and said...If this was your biological baby YOU would want her back or at least with family. This baby is NOT yours I have only given her to you for a season. YOU can do this, I will help you. The day before the next court review I got really nervous about how I would be able to give her back. I LOVED this baby as if she was my own. I was more attached to her than any of the previously placed foster children. Maybe it was because I was selfish or maybe it was that she was a baby and that's what I had really wanted or maybe it was the fear of the unknown. All I knew was that I had NO control over what would transpire in court the next day. I woke up early and packed Heather's bag for daycare and I advised the teacher when I dropped off that I may or may not pick her up...It might possibly be the social worker and or birth family that picks up. I told the director of the daycare I would call her as soon as I knew what the court had decided. The daycare staff was attached to this sweet baby also. I realized as I was leaving Heather that I needed to say good bye...maybe for good. This was almost unbearable. But...yet again God spoke to my heart and said she is not yours she is mine. You can do this, I will help you. I bravely went to court and listened as the decision was made and much to my surprise no one in Heather's family had passed a home study and birth mom was living back at home with her parents and had no job. to the judge this meant she was not working her case plan. He ruled to cease reunification. This meant CPS would no longer work to help birth mom get on track. If she was going to get her baby back it had to be all on her own with out help.The next hearing was set for 90 days and  permanent plan would be established. A permanent plan would be adoption or reunification with her birth mom if she COMPLETED her case plan which she had months to do already and she had not even really started. Things looked good for us to adopt this baby...I couldn't believe it. I had prepared myself as much as I could to give her back. Now I didn't have to. Heather would spend her first birthday and Christmas with us! I was shocked, I couldn't wait to pick her up from daycare! We celebrated her birthday and the Holidays worry free. I finally felt myself relax and start to Thank God for future possibilities of adoption. I remember dropping her off at daycare the day of the final court review. Heather had moved up to a new classroom because she was walking and turned 14 months old. She had been at our house an entire year. I was not worried about court that day actually I was excited for a change. I didn't even go to court this time. I sent one of my family members as I had a conflict that afternoon. When you do go to court reviews you may sit there the entire day, never knowing when your case will be called. I let the teacher know I would pick Heather up from daycare,  as this court hearing was not to determine if she would go home that day, but rather when or if ever. You can imagine how pleased I was when the judge ruled adoption to be the permanent plan...But that's not all he said. He was not finished. I remember my heart skipping a beat when  I found out the judge had said as of 5:30 pm today, Heather is to be placed with her biological aunt who had at the last minute stepped up to the plate and passed a background check and home study. WHAT? NO. NO. NO. I was not ready to give her back...this was not how this was supposed to go, even the social worked was SHOCKED. The social worker called me on the phone right away. I was still sitting there not sure what I heard could be true. In tears this dear social worker/friend explained that she would picked up Heather from daycare and then bring her to my house so we could say good bye as a family. She also needed to pick up Heather's belongings that would be going with her to her Aunts house. My thoughts began to race, how would I tell my kids, my husband. I went home and called my pastors wife and ask her to pray for us due to what we were about to go through. I started to pack her things (a years worth of things) Birthday presents, Christmas presents, handmade quilts. I cried and cried. I knew what I had to do, I also knew that I had to be strong not only for Heather but for my own kids and extended family members who would grieve this loss also. I called my husband and ask him not to bring the kids home yet to let me be the one to send Heather off to her "new mommy/auntie". I thought it would be to hard for the kids to watch her go. When the social worker pulled into the driveway, I LOST IT. I couldn't control the tears. As the Social worker began to get her out of the carseat to bring her into my house, I PRAYED. I need you now more than ever before Lord. I will give her back but NOT to a stranger to YOU Lord, because she is YOURS not mine. I started to tell myself you can do this, God will help me. I held Heather and hugged and kissed on her while the social worker loaded the car with her belongings. When the time came, I placed her in the car seat of the social workers car and told her I loved her and she waved byebye to me forever. Words could not express my pain but God knew my heart. I tried to pray but I couldn't say anything. Nothing seemed good enough. I felt selfish, physically like I was going to be sick and worst of all alone. Then the phone rang...it was my pastors wife calling to check on me. I cried. She prayed. When she prayed I felt a peace wich surpasses all understanding come over me. A peace that cant be explained. How could I be at peace? I just said a forever byebye to the sweetest baby in the world. I learned to believe in something I call "GRACE FOR THE MOMENT" a kind of grace you only get when you really need it. I NEEDED it. My husband and kids would be home soon and they would need it also. It was a church night and although I really wanted to stay home I felt it was best to carry on as normal as possible for my kids. So off to church we went, but with one empty carseat in the van. Church was probably the best decision I had made all day. To be around other Christians that had loved baby Heather almost as much as we did. Our Church family promised to pray for us and Heather in the coming days. We went home and did the normal bedtime routine only a little quicker, as I had one less bath to give and one less child to tuck in. After everyone was in bed and asleep including my husband, I went over to Heather's empty crib and I prayed. This time I couldn't stop the words. I had alot I needed to tell My Heavenly Father. I know he already knew what I was going to say because he knows my heart. Still I told him anyway. I prayed that I would be able to sleep that night knowing that Heather was with a stranger in a crib unfamiliar. I hope that her new mommy would cuddle her and comfort her if she was scared. Would baby Heather think I abandoned her??? On and on my conversation went with the Lord. How this??? Why that??? Why now??? What now??? Then I stopped talking...I sat down beside her crib and I wept quietly not wanting to wake up the others. As I began to re gain control of myself and my emotions...I listened with my heart to what God had to say. He spoke to my heart and said this could have happened 3 months ago, but I knew you were not ready. I gave you extra time and holidays to build enough memories to last for a life time. Remember Susan, she was mine not yours and you can do this. I will help you. Trust in me. Trust in me. Trust in me. The verse and we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him. Romans 8:28. I had to believe this. So then, I thanked God for baby Heather, her life, the extra time we spent with her, and prayed that God would comfort her in that very moment, because I no longer could.